If I could just maintain some sort of stability with my overwhelming grip of fear of abandonment, I can survive another day. As I think about this, that quite frankly is how I have adapted to living. The irony is that in this, I am not really living. What I am really doing is… surviving.
Surviving close relationships means..
I react a certain way because I am seeking to manage my fear of abandonment. If I can find resolve in anything that would give me a sense of feeling that at least for today, I will not be abandoned, it’s like I get a pass until the next day. It’s okay, I can exhale now.
Sometimes, it’s more of a proactive reaction to what I think is going to happen. I think abandonment is coming, so I get preemptive with my feelings and reactions. Sadly, this only always turns out to create a situation where I am forced to work that much harder for any sense of resolve to ensure that I indeed, will not be abandoned.. at least for another day.
It’s an endless cycle of recidivism. A few years ago, as I have documented on this blog page, my eyes were opened to that which has held a deep grip on me. I fear abandonment. Since then, I find myself, on good days, asking myself a question when being forced to respond to a situation..
Is my fear of abandonment causing me to respond this way? What is it that I need right this moment?
In knowing what I have suffered from, it certainly makes it increasingly manageable. As they say, knowledge is power.
But to be honest with you, I don’t want to just manage this. I don’t want to ponder something on my blog about living with this.
I want to unlock this. I want to be healed of this.
A few months ago, a revelation occurred on this journey of living with fear of abandonment. I was driving home from my morning 3 mile hike when it dawned on me something yet again, so obvious..
My father in heaven never has and will not abandon me. For it says that He will never leave me nor forsake me.
Man, I have said that verse a thousand times, but not lived it once.
Perhaps in living it, I can then begin down the road of being healed of it?
Relationships are tough when gripped with this fear. It’s like you never go deep enough to break any cycles of recidivism because you are constantly in a state of survival. It’s like you constantly are feeling not good enough. It’s like you are constantly gripped with a subtle distrust that the other person will hurt you or will abandon you. It’s like you are constantly in a defensive posture.
Dang it. This is all I have ever known. And dang it all the more for all the hurt I have caused in those who have loved me the most.
Living with a fear of abandonment has one struggling with allowing themselves of being loved. Is it even possible? Of course it is. Yet, to me, it has only always looked like approval or a fleeting sense that just for today, love will not be cut off.
Survival is not living. For most of my life, I have survived. Sadly in this, I have not lived.
A pastor looked me straight in the eyes once and challenged me.. “Have you never understood how much Jesus loves you, Gunnar?”
I was mad when he asked that question of me. Years later, he was right.
Reading through this post is difficult. At times, I feel too vulnerable. But perhaps that’s part of the healing process. I need not worry about what I think someone will think of me because of this. (And there it is right there.. is my fear of abandonment causing me to worry about that?)
Of course, I am writing this on a blog that frankly I don’t intentionally publicize. This blog page has been more of an online journal to help me work out my spiritual journey. So, if you are going to abandon me, I guess that’s okay as we have not formally met. 🙂
But this is my journey with fear of abandonment. I have written much about it in the past. This here is simply a check up on some recent revelations I have had regarding how I am dealing with it.
Though it may seem like a set back, it really isn’t. It’s an awakening to a new state of understanding of that which has gripped me my entire life. In this, the more I understand it, the more I can surrender it to a living God who loves me and will never forsake me, and… makes all things new.