Going into this, we knew the probability was pretty much non-existent. Though, when one believes in God, one also must believe that everything is on the table in the realm of possibilities.
But even still, expected, she was not.
In total, seven miscarriages embed themselves deep within the unspoken cries of our hearts. And yet amidst them all, here she was.
And now, at sixteen years old and a junior in high school, her life is a bright light of awe that lives deep within my soul each time I see her face. She is a beauty to behold from the inside and the outside.
But still, I struggle. I have never mentioned much of this hurt and pain but primarily in passing when it seemed relevant to the conversation and to be offered as an encouragement to the one I am speaking to.
At times, I must confess, it is difficult for me to see the non-stop pictures of families upon families with their quivers filled. I have no anger towards them, only envy.
To be honest, I never really know what to do with Psalm 127:3-5..
“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.”
For certain, my words here are only those from the perspective of me, the father. But for my wife, I will never know truly what she has felt. For this, my heart crashes.
Certainly, one might say to this.. what about adoption or being a foster parent? And while I get that and understand it completely and think adoption and foster parenting is an incredible opportunity, that is not for this post.
This post is for me to share in a not so public page my sorrow over this. Maybe it was the beautiful picture I saw in my Facebook feed tonight of a family with a full quiver. In one moment, it was sheer beauty seeing such an amazing family. The next, my hidden heartbreak(s). I wish that was me, too.
Yet in all of this, what I do have is a very special gift in that of my daughter. With just her heart alone, my quiver over-floweth with a joy I cannot even begin to articulate.
In her, I find the joy of eight. In her, I find the bottle filled with my tears poured out into a flowing river of amazement that what was once not possible, and now made possible.
Certainly I wished, I hoped, I prayed.. And in her.. it came true, its real, and He answered.
And for my other children who never made it to this world, dance for me. I will see you in heaven. We will all dance together in heaven. Together at last.
So there it is. My hidden heartbreak(s). Yes, I am incredibly grateful and blessed. But I am human, too. Therefore, I greave. I mourn. I envy.
Thanks be to God though that in all of this… there He is, too.