Often times, it is the pressing thought of that moment you try with everything within to avoid… the moment where one must face their hurts.
I am not sure where things changed, but if I were to look back on these past several years, I have begun to embrace these moments of facing my own hurts.
Sadly though, what has emerged from this journey perhaps is that which has been suppressed for far too long. Frankly, I wonder if it has been suppressed longer than I dare remember or admit.
I mean, you don’t know what you don’t know, right?
What’s been a moment that I have escaped time and again from that has brought me much more fear than that of facing my hurts is.. facing my gifts.
For years I had operating in both my gifts and hurts all the while never being able to ever stop long enough to put a name on either. In this, round and round I went. I had no idea.
As I began to ponder this and as others began to pour into me and as I allowed God to fan the very flames He started from deep within that of my mother’s womb, I began to put some pieces together.
Perhaps when not fully understanding, knowing or even being specific of our gifts and when we operate out of a place of also not fully understanding, knowing, or even being specific of our hurts, a sort of battle takes place.
In this, perhaps we do all the right things for all the wrong reasons? We have our plugs in the wrong ports?
My gift was plugged into my hurt.
In this, I could never get ahead. It was like I had a faulty battery or charger. When we allow our hurts (albeit often times unknown) to be the sources that in-turn charges our gifts, we’ll never have enough power to get off the ground.
It was cyclical. It was recidivism. Perhaps it is how the enemy keeps us distracted by keeping us going in circles. And the problem here is that we get so distracted with the constant need to power up that we never stop long enough along the road to see what’s actually happening and that reason we can never get off the ground is because we have a faulty charger.
But what if we could stop long enough to see this?
Our hurts should always be plugged into God because God is always plugged into our gifts.
My hurt that took me 43 years to identify is a fear of abandonment which in turn has caused a need for approval which has led to low self esteem and depression.
My gift is encouragement.
I used my gifts not specifically to honor the Giver of the gifts, but rather instead to temporarily soothe my hurts. When we do this, it is never sustainable.
It’s amazing how the evil one can so easily highjack so many of us from placing our focus on such. I mean, what better way to thwart the eternal work of God than to distract in His creation the very gifts He has woven into their very lives?
Photograph by Gunnar Simonsen